gomichan
07-17-2007, 09:17 AM
Howdy folks. Just kinda letting you know where I am, and hoping for some kind thoughts.
So when I posted to say I was busy with real life (two weeks ago? a month? I lose track of time...) that was only partially true. I didn't want anyone to worry. I mean, the stuff I said I was doing, I actually was doing, but I was also backing off from forums because I was having a pretty bad depressive wipeout. Which I still am.
I'm not tense about it. It's just brain chemistry. I'm used to this. I try to think of it like having a cold. I don't have to kick myself for taking it easy when I've got a fever and sneezles, so I shouldn't kick myself for taking it easy when I'm in a depressive trough.
Still, it's scary sometimes. Here's how it is: I'm mildly bipolar, I have brief manic periods and long depressions. I hesitate to call the peaks 'manic episodes' -- my judgment's not all that impaired, I don't do things like drive to Las Vegas and marry a cocktail waitress. I just go without sleep, start craft projects I never finish, plan out comics I'll never draw, that kinda thing. Offer to mod the Study Groups forum and then not do any modding. :D It's no big. The only thing I really dislike about those periods is how tall it makes the slope when I start to slide. I'm like a little boat in a storm, and I get to the top of a mountainous wave and look down at the glassy green expanse of the other side as my boat starts to careen down into the black depth, so very far down, and I can't imagine how the next wave won't fold over me and bury me.
But when the next wave comes, my boat just rolls right up again, and I keep going. Just riding it out, wave after wave. I get very tired, but I stay afloat. I've finally learned to trust that I will stay afloat, and shipping a little water isn't the end of me.
Being stressed makes it harder to handle, and it doesn't take much to stress me out. All it takes is a sudden change of plans, a noisy baby in the next booth, an argument on the street below my window, a phone caller who keeps calling and calling when I don't answer the phone. You know how it feels when you've had a horrible hectic day when everything kept going wrong, and then that one little stupid thing happens that's just the last straw, and after that all you can do is hide in your room and hope the world leaves you alone? For me, the last straw happens first. I guess struggling with depression and ADD and social anxiety takes the place of the hectic bad day, uses me up so I can't handle anything on top of it.
So now I come to the bit where I could use some help. Specifically, advice. See, I haven't been able to write or draw freely for quite some time. It's been at least a year since drawing has been anything but a chore. More than that since I could follow through on a writing project. My instinct is to blame the weekly schedule of my webcomic, and the constant public presence it demands of me. Being answerable to readers all the time is hell for someone with social anxiety. And updating every week means I have to work even when it's a bad week -- because my bad times last well more than a week -- which taints the whole thing with a sense of hopelessness.
And yet I'm deeply committed to the story. I really need to tell it. Finding a commercial publisher is pretty much out of the question; while it's not technically impossible, it's not likely enough to count as a solution. I've thought of putting the whole thing on indefinite hold until -- I dunno -- it magically draws itself or something -- but I don't trust myself to keep at it without the pressure I hate so much, and I cringe at the thought of my readers' disappointment and sense of betrayal. I feel like I made a deal with them by offering the comic to them, and I don't want to suddenly yank it away. But the pressure of it is that last little straw, day after day, and I feel I'd be so much more functional and creative if I could get out from under it.
So. Um. That was long. Sorry. Anyway. Advice?
So when I posted to say I was busy with real life (two weeks ago? a month? I lose track of time...) that was only partially true. I didn't want anyone to worry. I mean, the stuff I said I was doing, I actually was doing, but I was also backing off from forums because I was having a pretty bad depressive wipeout. Which I still am.
I'm not tense about it. It's just brain chemistry. I'm used to this. I try to think of it like having a cold. I don't have to kick myself for taking it easy when I've got a fever and sneezles, so I shouldn't kick myself for taking it easy when I'm in a depressive trough.
Still, it's scary sometimes. Here's how it is: I'm mildly bipolar, I have brief manic periods and long depressions. I hesitate to call the peaks 'manic episodes' -- my judgment's not all that impaired, I don't do things like drive to Las Vegas and marry a cocktail waitress. I just go without sleep, start craft projects I never finish, plan out comics I'll never draw, that kinda thing. Offer to mod the Study Groups forum and then not do any modding. :D It's no big. The only thing I really dislike about those periods is how tall it makes the slope when I start to slide. I'm like a little boat in a storm, and I get to the top of a mountainous wave and look down at the glassy green expanse of the other side as my boat starts to careen down into the black depth, so very far down, and I can't imagine how the next wave won't fold over me and bury me.
But when the next wave comes, my boat just rolls right up again, and I keep going. Just riding it out, wave after wave. I get very tired, but I stay afloat. I've finally learned to trust that I will stay afloat, and shipping a little water isn't the end of me.
Being stressed makes it harder to handle, and it doesn't take much to stress me out. All it takes is a sudden change of plans, a noisy baby in the next booth, an argument on the street below my window, a phone caller who keeps calling and calling when I don't answer the phone. You know how it feels when you've had a horrible hectic day when everything kept going wrong, and then that one little stupid thing happens that's just the last straw, and after that all you can do is hide in your room and hope the world leaves you alone? For me, the last straw happens first. I guess struggling with depression and ADD and social anxiety takes the place of the hectic bad day, uses me up so I can't handle anything on top of it.
So now I come to the bit where I could use some help. Specifically, advice. See, I haven't been able to write or draw freely for quite some time. It's been at least a year since drawing has been anything but a chore. More than that since I could follow through on a writing project. My instinct is to blame the weekly schedule of my webcomic, and the constant public presence it demands of me. Being answerable to readers all the time is hell for someone with social anxiety. And updating every week means I have to work even when it's a bad week -- because my bad times last well more than a week -- which taints the whole thing with a sense of hopelessness.
And yet I'm deeply committed to the story. I really need to tell it. Finding a commercial publisher is pretty much out of the question; while it's not technically impossible, it's not likely enough to count as a solution. I've thought of putting the whole thing on indefinite hold until -- I dunno -- it magically draws itself or something -- but I don't trust myself to keep at it without the pressure I hate so much, and I cringe at the thought of my readers' disappointment and sense of betrayal. I feel like I made a deal with them by offering the comic to them, and I don't want to suddenly yank it away. But the pressure of it is that last little straw, day after day, and I feel I'd be so much more functional and creative if I could get out from under it.
So. Um. That was long. Sorry. Anyway. Advice?